Negotiating Screen Time: Part 2

Just how much screen time is too much? Returning to our discussion of negotiating screen time we first have to arrive at some guidelines about what constitutes excessive use. Based on my interview with my grandson I know that we are dealing with an experience that kids find engaging and rewarding in many ways. So if as parents we believe that our children are spending too much time in front of a screen, we must be prepared to come up with a plan that provides substitute activities that are equally rewarding. We must also allow our children to participate in these discussions and contribute their considerable insight about what the video games mean to them.

Bear in mind that our children are growing up in a far different era than even the youngest parents have experienced. We don’t yet know how children raised with a virtual world that is nearly as compelling as the real one are going to turn out. The predictions are dire: What sort of moral compass will they develop? Will they distinguish cyber killing from real killing? Will they comprehend that effective participation in the real world requires effort—sometimes physical effort? How will they procreate? Will they become digital parents? Will they figure out that human beings—as we now know them—must have human touch or they will die?

Part of the problem of setting limits around screen time and video games is that in many cases are children know more about them than we do. I can’t recall a time in history when a three-year-old could teach her father or her grandmother about how something works. My grandson changed the voice of Siri on my cell phone from that annoying woman’s voice to a voice with a male British accent. (I am in love!) I couldn’t have done it! Our offspring have always been ahead of us in terms of technology but never before at such young ages. The gap will only widen as they grow up. This generation born into computers as never before has a background of experience that adults will never have. I say this because it means that in order to deal with the problem of excessive computer use we must respect the proficiency that young people have. When we ask them to turn off the computer and they throw a fit, we need to remember that we are asking them to step out of a world that has deep meaning for them.

Still as parents we can recognize when computer use has become extreme or addictive as some are saying. For a good discussion of what constitutes addictive behavior I recommend a book by Hilarie Cash, PhD and Kim McDaniel, MA called Video Games and Your Kids (Issues Press, 2008.) To assess whether children’s gaming habits constitute addiction they suggest questions such as the following: Inability to predict the amount of time spent on gaming; Failed attempts to control personal gaming behavior for extended periods; Having a sense of euphoria while gaming; Craving more gaming; Neglecting family and friends; Feeling restless, irritable, and discontented while not gaming. If a child answers yes to most or all of these questions, it is probably time to consider the activity as problematic.
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As I have said in my book Family Entanglement: Unravelling the Knots and Finding Joy in the Parent/Child Journey https://www.createspace.com/4008162 we can never successfully address problems in a vacuum. So we can’t just tell our children that we are going to impose Draconian (I love that word) rules on them regarding gaming. Effective limit setting with children or anyone depends on the relationships we have built over time. I truly believe that is still true even for this “cyberized” generation of young people. If children and parents have a connection that is built on mutual respect, time spent together in fun activities, a family environment that is mostly loving and mostly predictable, there will be a far better chance of arriving at compromises around gaming that work for everyone. If family bonds are frayed by conflict or tenuous and fragile, efforts to manage gaming will likely go amiss as well. Parents and children will first need to create or improve upon positive and meaningful communication.